Early in my career, I thought being nice was leadership. Smiling through tension. Softening every bit of feedback. Keeping everyone happy.
I believed harmony built trust. Over time, I realised, it didn’t.
What it built was confusion. Mistrust. Even resentment.
When someone underperformed, I hesitated to hold the line. When values were bent, I rationalised them away. I thought I was being supportive. In reality, I was being avoidant.
And avoidance doesn’t make problems disappear. It just leaves your team carrying them for you.
Niceness as a Trojan Horse
In many organisations, niceness is the mask that hides fear.
‘Nice’ leaders smile in meetings, nod in agreement, and type warm Slack or Teams messages, all while sidestepping the conversations their people desperately need.
They delay decisions. They dodge discomfort. They confuse people-pleasing with people-leading.
Niceness without clarity isn’t leadership. It’s self-protection dressed up as empathy.
Why Clarity Matters More Than Comfort
Research from Harvard Business Review shows employees value clarity, decisiveness, and follow-through more than likability.
Why? Because people crave direction, not just validation. Avoiding hard truths in the name of harmony doesn’t preserve culture. It poisons it.
Over time, it:
Being liked is easy. Being clear is rare.
Nice Leaders Avoid. Great Leaders Engage.
This doesn’t mean kindness has no place. In fact, kindness is essential. There is a difference though, as true kindness isn’t “protecting” people from reality. It’s telling them the truth; with care, with courage, and with respect.
At True North ECL, we coach leaders to shift from pleasing to leading by:
Saying what needs to be said, even when it’s uncomfortable
Swapping vague praise for specific, honest feedback
Creating cultures where candour is normalised, not punished
Leading with clarity, not consensus
What Happens When Niceness Wins Over Leadership?
Here’s what I’ve seen time and again when “nice” takes priority:
Toxic behaviours go unchecked
High performers disengage or leave
Team meetings turn into echo chambers
Decisions stall, standards slip, and no one knows who’s driving the bus
This isn’t just a cultural problem. It’s a strategic failure.
Clarity Is Compassionate
I often say this in coaching: clarity is kind.
It’s kind to your team, your culture, and to yourself as a leader.
Clear leaders:
Set expectations early and revisit them often
Give direct feedback, not cryptic hints
Model honesty, not passive-aggression
Build trust by being the same person in every room
When people know where they stand, they stop second-guessing. They start growing.
A Leadership Gut Check
If you’re wondering where you sit, ask yourself:
Am I avoiding a conversation in the name of being “supportive”?
Am I letting someone coast because “they mean well”?
Am I holding back in meetings to keep harmony instead of driving clarity?
That’s not kindness. That’s fear.
The True North Take
