Why 'Nice' Leaders Fail (and What Great Ones Do Differently)

Early in my career, I thought being nice was leadership.  I thought smiling through tension, softening every bit of feedback, and keeping everyone happy would build trust.  It didn’t.

What it built was confusion.  Mistrust.  Even resentment.  When people weren’t performing, I hesitated to hold the line. When values were being compromised, I rationalised it away.  I thought I was being supportive, but in reality, I was being avoidant.

Niceness Can Be a Trojan Horse

In many organisations, niceness is the mask that hides fear and a lack of clarity.  ‘Nice’ leaders smile in meetings, nod in agreement, and write warm Slack or Teams messages; all while sidestepping the conversations their teams desperately need.

They delay decisions, dodge discomfort, and use kindness as a shield from accountability.

What any manager or leader needs to fundamentally understand is that, niceness without clarity isn’t leadership.  It’s self-protection dressed up as empathy.

Clarity Over Comfort

Research from Harvard Business Review shows that employees value clarity, decisiveness, and follow-through more than likability.

Why?  People want direction, they dont need pure validation.  Avoiding hard truths in the name of harmony doesn’t preserve culture.  It slowly poisons it.

Over time, it:

• Tolerates underperformance

• Dilutes accountability

• Breaks trust in subtle, corrosive ways

Being liked is easy.  Being clear is rare.

Nice Leaders Avoid. Great Leaders Engage.

There’s nothing wrong with kindness.  In fact, kindness is essential.  But kindness ≠ people-pleasing.

True kindness is having the courage to tell someone the truth, not to shame them, but to grow them.

It’s about respect.  Integrity.  Leadership.

At True North, we coach leaders to shift from pleasing to leading.  That means:

• Saying what needs to be said, with care and courage

• Replacing vague praise with specific, honest feedback

• Creating a culture where candour is a norm, not a risk

• Leading through clarity, not consensus

What Happens When Niceness Wins Over Leadership?

Here’s what happens when niceness takes priority over leadership:

• Toxic behaviours go unchecked

• High performers disengage or leave

• Team meetings become echo chambers

• Decisions get delayed, standards slip, and nobody’s quite sure who’s driving the bus

This isn’t just a soft issue.  It’s a strategic failure.  And one that erodes trust, speed, and psychological safety.

Clarity Is Compassionate

I often say this in coaching: clarity is kind.  It’s kind to your team, your culture, and to yourself as a leader.

Clear leaders:

• Set expectations early and revisit them often

• Give direct feedback, not cryptic hints

• Model honesty, not passive-aggression or avoidance

• Build trust by being the same person in the room and in the hallway

When people know where they stand, they stop second-guessing.

They start growing.

A Leadership Gut Check

If you're still not sure where you sit, try these reflection questions:

• Are you avoiding a conversation in the name of being “supportive”?

• Are you letting someone coast because “they mean well”?

• Are you holding back in meetings to protect harmony instead of driving clarity?

That’s not kindness.  That’s fear.

The True North Take

Strong leadership isn’t about being the most liked person in the room.  It’s about being the most consistent.

The one who:

• Speaks the truth, with grace

• Sets the tone, with values

• Holds the space, with courage

Leadership isn’t a vibe.  It’s a responsibility.  And in today’s world, the leaders who thrive are those who choose clarity over comfort and principles over popularity.

You’re not paid to be popular.  You’re paid to lead.